Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Practice the Pause

So this happened, by the skin of his teeth it happened, but happen it did and that is the working of the Holy Spirit.

We had come to the conclusion around New Years that this wouldn't be Ben's year for First Holy Communion.  You know that light bulb you see go off in your child's heart, the one that you look for that shows you that there is a true desire to understand and embrace the teachings of the Eucharist, the importance of it all.  We couldn't see that clarity, only a fuzzy question mark and we knew in our hearts that it wouldn't be right to go through this for the ceremony, that would only confuse Ben more when he did grasp it - and it is a hard concept to grasp for all of us.  This understanding of bread/body, mystery cloaked in ordinary, making it all so very extraordinary.  

Our family always attends the Easter Vigil, it is a tradition we began once we had everyone over the age of 5.  Well, if you are a child on the Spectrum, the Easter Vigil is more than hard.  Everything we love about it because it appeals to all our senses, make it agony for a little one who has their senses being pulled and jerked in every direction.  Ben and I tried to go sit in the Narthex, but that was even too much with so many little ones out there already, and parents doing their best to hush them, created a whole new frenzy of sensory overload.

We left.

Ben began to cry once I started the van to carry him home, true and real tears.  He did NOT want to leave, he just couldn't be in Mass with so much assaulting his senses..... and so began a conversation where I could feel that his heart and brain were connecting, a soft wax moment of complete clarity.  Pete and I knew afterwards that he was ready for First Communion, the prayers and everything else had long ago been learned.

We have been on a roller coaster ride with him this year, so much going on, so much hard, white knuckle hard, the kind of hard that you just want to curl up and shield him from everything- which isn't good for him at all, only easier for you.  Sometimes I just want easy.

I had planned to jump right back into blogging.  I have so much I want to share, I want to record for our own memories.  I find it difficult to sit down and share because there is a lot I don't want to remember, I want it to fade away and only leave the fond, good, special times but the reality is that we are in a whirlwind of assorted moments. Isn't that how it goes, the pain always gives way to birth the happiest.  

When all is said and done, every single day Ben forces me to be a better person, to reach to places I honestly didn't think existed within me and to be patient, to pause.  We, as a family, are learning to practice the pause, it is good for us and hard for us.  When we pause though, we have these moments with Ben that lead to good things, we are learning that the Holy Spirit is in the pause and I thank Ben for helping me realize this truth.

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